Inanity
by ttwings
Summary: In which Cloud is way out of his depth, and he calls the only person he knows for help. Pfft. As if Zack would know any better than him. (drabble. crack AU w some cloti because otp)


His end lies before him, its cruel machinations suspended, waiting for the perfect time to strike. Sweat gathers at his brow, legs poised to dash away at the slightest twitch of movement before him. A hand is in his pocket, thumbing his phone, as he debates whether calling for backup will genuinely save him or condemn another life to his fate.

Baby Marlene looks up at him and blinks once, twice, and then starts to cry.

Cloud groans and takes out his phone.

When Tifa had called him earlier that day, his heart had stuttered—as usual—at the flash of her name on the screen. He'd scrambled to pick it up.

" _I really, really need your help_ ," she'd said—no, _pleaded_ —and really, was there any way he could turn her away when she sounded like that?

Now he wishes he'd built up a better defense, or at least done something smart, like suggest Aerith instead, because Barrett is going to kill him thrice over for letting his adoptive daughter cry for this long.

Cloud paces in the cramped dining area in front of the door, eyes frantically darting between the entrance and the digital clock on the kitchen counter. He's already tried feeding her, dangling toys in front of her face, putting on her favorite music, checking her diaper, and nothing. _Nothing_. It's like that baby is a mountain and he's trying to push it over with his bare hands.

Finally, _finally_ , he hears three light raps on the door. Cloud practically pounces in his rush to open it.

"Special delivery for a f***boi who can't babysit!" Zack says, crashing through the moment it's unlocked—and hitting Cloud in the process.

Cloud shuts the door and decks his shoulder none-too-lightly. "Shove off and _help_ , Zack."

Zack winces and rubs his shoulder. "Yeah, yeah," he says. He walks past Cloud to kneel in front of Marlene's baby chair, where her ear-splitting ruckus continues.

"Why haven't you tried picking her up?" Zack asks.

"She always cries when people hand her to me, so I figured there was no use doing it now."

Zack turns his head to give Cloud an incredulous stare, and Cloud crosses his arms and scowls in response.

Rolling his eyes, Zack picks up Marlene and props her on his chest, doing this weird…bobbing thing.

"What are you doing?" Cloud asks, his ire forgotten.

"I don't know, I've seen it in movies. It like, calms them or something."

Impossibly, after half an hour of wailing at the top of her lungs, Marlene's cries actually start to calm down. Zack shoots him a smug grin, and this time it's Cloud's turn to roll his eyes.

And then Marlene pukes all over Zack's shirt.

For a second, the two of them are speechless, staring at each other in disbelief. Then Cloud hands Zack a pink hanky from the countertop, lips pressed together to hide his amusement.

Zack takes the hanky with a withering glare, and Cloud breaks.

" _Cloud, you twat!_ "

An hour later, Marlene's been changed, and Zack has changed into one of Barrett's shirts.

When Cloud had offered it to him, he'd asked, "Won't he kill me for that?"

"He'll kill you more if you track baby vomit all over his house," he'd replied.

Now the two of them are on the couch watching _Bloody Rangers 3: Gore and Babes Galore_ , while Marlene happily plays with the toys in her baby chair on the side. On the screen, one of the main characters gets gunned down, and Zack slaps his thigh.

"Ha! Told you he was gonna die."

Cloud says nothing, because the movie is trash and he lost track of what was happening a long time ago. He'll never understand why Zack likes to watch bad movies on purpose. Zack is used to doing most of the talking between them though, so he continues.

"Man, this babysitting gig is a peace of cake. Babies are so easy to take care of." _Only when they aren't puking on you,_ Cloud very pointedly does not say. "We should do this more often. Say, how much is Barrett paying Tifa for this?"

"Nothing."

Zack does a double-take. "Wait, so you're doing this for free?"

Cloud nods. Zack chuckles and shakes his head. "You're a goner, man."

He won't deny that. He has been since he was five, that fateful day Tifa moved in next door.

There's a loud explosion on the TV, followed by a lot of yelling. Zack's about to make a comment on it when it happens.

The smell reaches their noses.

Slowly, Cloud and Zack turn to each other, abject terror mirrored on each other's faces.

Zack slaps his back. "It's been an honor, bro."

Cloud nods sagely. "Likewise."

"Can't believe it came to this. 18 years on this earth, and this is how I go."

"You fought bravely," Cloud says.

"Yep." Zack wipes a "tear" from his eye. "We both did, buddy. We both did."

Marlene, stretched out on the couch before them, gurgles.

"Alright," Zack says, taking a bracing breath. "Operation: diaper change is a go."

The two of them tug on their face masks and rubber gloves, and even then, it's not enough to cover up the smell when Zack unclasps Marlene's soiled diaper. Cloud's eyes water at the stench, and he can hear Zack gagging next to him. Zack rolls it up and tosses it in the bag Cloud has ready, and then—since he lost their rock-paper-scissors match twice—wipes her down. Once the used wipes are in the bag too, Cloud contemplates burning it. There's no way anything that foul should be allowed to exist in the world.

It's when Zack is getting the clean diaper ready that they freeze, and something extremely important dawns on the both of them at once.

As usual, Zack is the one to say it:

"Cloud, how do you put a diaper on a baby?"

Luckily for them, in the house of a handyman like Barrett, duct tape is easy to find.

Forty-five minutes later, the keys are jingling at the door, and Cloud and Zack both release a sigh of relief.

"Finally," Zack says, standing up. "I didn't know those stuffy functions at city hall could last so long. I hope Aerith finds out about this. If you get to get laid after all this effort, so do I."

" _Zack!_ " Cloud exclaims, face going red, which is when the door opens.

"Alright, what's the damage?" Barrett's booming voice practically shakes the house. Back in her chair now, Marlene squeals.

"Hi Barrett! _Hey Teef._ " Zack wags his eyebrows meaningfully at Cloud, and Cloud wishes he could sink into the couch and disappear. He perks up when Tifa appears behind Barrett and waves at him.

Barrett sinks down to Marlene's chair to pick her up. "Is—is _this_ —?!" He holds her up so her bottom half is in full view of everyone in the room. "Duct tape?! Man I knew you clowns didn't know what you were doing. Didn't I say it, Teef?"

Tifa, for her part, is making a mighty effort to not laugh, covering her mouth with her hand. Cloud still wishes someone could drop a bomb right on top of him.

"Can't believe I'm gonna have to cut my own daughter out of her diaper," Barrett mutters, retreating with Marlene into his room.

"Uh, that happened." Zack shrugs. "Whatever, at least we're all intact. See you guys on Monday!" Zack gives them a wink and flies out of the door before they even have a chance to say goodbye.

Which leaves Cloud alone with Tifa.

He doesn't know whether he's going to hug or kill Zack the next time he sees him.

"Ready to go?" Tifa asks, smiling softly.

Cloud shoots off the couch (Crap that looked so eager, why can't he control his limbs when she's around?) and nods.

Before he can start making his way to the door, Tifa places a hand on Cloud's arm.

"Thank you. I didn't know who else to call on short notice—I didn't know my dad wanted me there today."

"Don't mention it," he replies, though the mention of Tifa's dad sours his mood a little. The mayor has hated his guts for years, and he'll definitely be waiting for him at the door when they walk back.

Cloud takes one look at her face, softened with gratitude, and he doesn't care anymore.

When they get to Tifa's front door, her dad isn't waiting for him, but a kiss on the cheek is.

-END-

A/N: lol that was fun. In this story, Zack and Aerith are 18, while Cloud is 16 and Tifa is 15.


End file.
